


My Heart Was Glass, You Dropped It

by tallestgirlonearth



Series: We Need A Do Over [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:35:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29375034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tallestgirlonearth/pseuds/tallestgirlonearth
Summary: Love slipped beyond your reachesand I couldn't give a reasonThree people. Two relationships. One will be left out.
Relationships: Amanda Rollins & Odafin "Fin" Tutuola, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: We Need A Do Over [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168130
Comments: 14
Kudos: 42





	1. Crestfallen on the Landing (Rollisi)

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to too much Taylor Swift recently (blame my shitty lockdown mood), and mulled over broken hearts and could-have-beens, and arrived at this. 
> 
> The story will have two chapters, not connected to each other in any sense other than the theme of unrequited love. 
> 
> I also have to credit two stories with providing major inspiration: [why not me?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26941492) by givemylifecas, and the absolutely beautiful [For Me It Isn’t Over](https://archiveofourown.org/series/879054) series by AHumanFemale, Power-Bottom-Barba (Cap_Against_The_Clap), and Robin Hood (kjack89). The settings are each different from mine, but they both touch upon the theme of “seeing the person you want/love with somebody else”.
> 
> So, here goes, and, um...I'm sorry for the angst, I guess?
> 
> PS: As anyone will have noticed, I am Barisi trash, but in regards to ships and shipping wars I will just say that I mean no harm, to each their own :)

**Crestfallen on the Landing**

The invitation is objectively beautiful. Heavy vellum paper with elegant black lettering, the names stencilled in gold, the signatures added in fountain pen. Very elegant, in fact, the whole ensemble is something he would have chosen – but he isn’t involved in any way, he is just a work acquaintance, someone the happy couple invite because they want to ‘share their joy’ and actually mean it.

_We,_

_Sonny Carisi & Amanda Rollins_

_joyfully invite you to share in a celebration of love and commitment._

The details of the ceremony follow: The service will take place on a Saturday two months from now, at a church in Manhattan, followed by a reception at the Carisi family home on Staten Island.

Rafael is one of the select crowd who is invited to both service and reception, and he scoffs at the presumptuousness that anyone would want to trek out to Staten Island after already having suffered through a clichéd Catholic wedding ceremony. 

But of course everyone would, because the turn of phrase isn’t an accident. The couple are blissfully happy, and so are their family and friends. Of course they would be happy to share in their celebration, and they wouldn’t mind the ridiculousness of an afternoon far away from decent civilisation. Nor would they mind that Carisi didn’t use his given name to announce his own goddamn nuptials, and went with his nickname instead.

Rafael has to employ all his cynicism to deal with the letter he is holding in his hands – his hands that have been shaking ever since he picked it up – to stop himself from flying to pieces.

\---

He can’t remember how long he’s been in love with Carisi, just as he can’t, or _won’t,_ remember what his life was like before Carisi was in it. Even though they never so much as kissed, the detective brightened his days and thawed the cool faꞔade Rafael kept up as an armor. He poked and prodded at him with legal questions, coffee and Italian baked goods until Rafael let him shadow, let him _in,_ and let them grow closer than he’d ever allowed anyone who wasn’t Liv before.

There had been endless legal arguments that always ended in a sharp quip from Rafael, and a chuckle from Sonny – no bad blood could ever come between them for long. They had shared confidences over late-night drinks at Rafael’s office, or Forlini’s. Rafael had acknowledged that he was far from infallible, that the pressure got to him just as it did to everyone else, that he often felt like whatever he did, it wasn’t enough. Sonny had talked about how difficult it had been to cling to his faith in light of all the evil he saw on a daily basis, and how he still managed to hold on because he hoped for love.

Rafael had felt flushed and warm all over at this quiet admission, only to freeze when he heard Sonny talk about marriage, and _children,_ all things Rafael had never seriously considered for himself.

_There it was, the reminder that they could never be, would never work._

But Sonny had laughed, and shrugged, and said that all of this was far, far away, and that he was more than happy with things as they were. He’d nudged Rafael and teased that he was content with bugging a friend for legal insight and the approval that once in a while, even a Fordham Law graduate could be passable company for a Harvard alum. And Rafael, like a fool, had let the banter wash away his worries, content to bask instead in the affection Sonny chose to give him now. 

He'd gotten the payback for his wilful blindness much later, when Sonny made the move to join the DA’s office. Rafael had been ecstatic, not that he showed it, because even though he had taken a promotion to become Bureau Chief for the Hate Crimes Unit and was no longer directly involved with SVU cases, having Carisi at One Hogan meant they would see more of each other. They could help each other out as equals, take working lunches, Rafael would take any excuse to spend more time with Sonny. As it turned out, the squad didn’t unequivocally share his delight with Sonny’s new career. He heard in bits and pieces how Carisi’s departure had left SVU woefully understaffed, and Rollins in particular seemed to seize every opportunity to guilt-trip her former partner.

_Hearing about Rollins’ agitation should have given him pause but again, like a fool, he had chosen to focus on the prospect of him and Carisi being co-workers for real, a constant source of happiness among the sometimes very dark days in his life._

When Rafael finally found the time in his insanely busy schedule to offer Sonny a celebratory drink at Forlini’s, the man had cancelled last-minute, so Rafael invited Olivia instead. She’d teased him about being second choice, and Rafael had retaliated by mocking her that her life was boring and less busy than Carisi’s.

_How he wishes he hadn’t said that, because the next words out of Olivia’s mouth had shattered his world forever._

“He’s on a date with Rollins tonight”, she’d told him, “those two have finally gotten their shit together. Of course it’s not ideal with the conflict of interest looming, but those two are so loved-up, I’m sure they’ll officially disclose in no time.”

To this day, Rafael cannot remember what he said after that bombshell had been dropped, but it must have been satisfactory, because Liv had prattled on about Noah until her phone rang and she was called away on a case.

Rafael had spent the rest of the evening getting hideously drunk.

\---

Rafael toys with the RSVP card attached to the invitation. It’s personalised, already including his name, so all he has to enter is whether he will be bringing a plus one.

As if there was anyone.

Of course Carisi wouldn’t know that. He’s been completely wrapped up in the wedding planning while still trying to work the hefty caseload of a junior ADA. Bully for him, Rafael thinks, a little viciously, for being the absolute perfect fiancé and wanting to be involved in everything. This earnestness is typical for Carisi, and if the circumstances were different, Rafael would acknowledge that he liked it.

As things stand, he doesn’t acknowledge anything except the scotch burning down his throat and the pain searing his heart. Him and Carisi haven’t spoken in weeks – a product of both their workloads and Rafael’s attempts to avoid the man and his upcoming nuptials at all costs. It’s not like people haven’t tried to infect him with wedding fever, especially their mutual friends at SVU struck up conversations often enough. Rafael, however, shot any attempt down, first with overt disinterest, then with glares and sharp words, and they eventually stopped trying.

The only person to never give up is Liv, so Rafael has had to avoid her sharp eyes and warm compassion, too, even though he would usually take comfort in it. But she’s a friend to both of them, and Rafael doesn’t want to sour her happiness at two good people getting married with his own misery that he’s not the one Carisi will promise his life to. Besides, if they talked about it, she would see the depths of his despair, and he can’t have that. It’s bad enough that she knows about his feelings at all, that she teased them out of him after a week of seemingly running into Carisi everywhere.

Rafael’s defences had been low when they sat down for drinks, and it hadn’t taken much, just a couple glasses of scotch on an empty stomach, because he had lost his appetite and largely existed on trail mix and coffee these days, and a well-placed conversation starter by Liv.

“Are you sure you don’t want to share something, Raf? You need to eat.”

“I do eat.”

“Really? When? You’ve got everyone worried, you, know, Carisi said everytime he bumps into you you seem to have lost another pound.”

Just thinking of this conversation causes a sharp pang in Rafael’s chest. It’s like Carisi has permeated him down to his very core – his mind, his body, his soul – and colours every single interaction in his life, even when he’s not there in person.

He felt like that at the bar, cornered and left defenceless just by the mention of the other man’s name, so he had lashed out, like a wounded animal.

“I’m perfectly fine. How would he know, anyway, it’s not like we’re working together on a regular basis.”

“Well, but you used to. Besides, Carisi sought out your mentorship for years and you let him, so one could argue that you were close. _Very_ close, considering how reserved you usually are, Rafa.”

Rafael had scoffed at that and wanted to order another drink, but Liv had placed a gentle hand on his arm and looked at him steadily, until he had no choice but to turn his full attention to her.

“In fact”, she’d continued, “quite a few people at the precinct thought you had potential, that you were headed somewhere…”

Rafael hadn’t said anything to that, just turned his head away. He’d stared at the table top stubbornly, just to keep the tears in his eyes hidden, but Liv had understood what he hadn’t said. She’d seen him and everything he’d kept bottled up, and even though she was happy for Carisi and Rollins, she’d also tried to be supportive for him as much as she could – going out to dinner, inviting him home so Noah could pester his Uncle Rafa – and it worked.

Until today.

Until now, that he’s confronted with the evidence in cream and black and gold.

He runs his fingers over the edge of the thick card and is surprised that there is no cut, no pain. Surely there should be some trace left, some sign of how deeply he is affected…

No.

Rafael shakes his head, balls his hand to a fist and tosses the card on his coffee table.

Enough.

Enough with the flights of fancy.

Time to get himself under control again.

He’ll have to pick out a wedding present – something nice and understated but practical, an item they can use every day - and call it his first step towards healing.

\---

Two months later and Rafael feels like laughing hysterically – both because of the scotch, and because he’s spent the entire day contemplating his own stupidity.

Healing?

He of all people should know that wounds may heal on the outside, but the internal damage will remain. There can be no ‘getting over it’, not when ‘it’ is bound up in memories and emotions, tied to people and places – everyone has a map of their lives, of their connections, and Manhattan connects Rafael to Sonny Carisi in a million indelible ways.

The wedding was today, in the morning, and just now the guests are probably toasting the happy couple for the hundredth time.

Rafael hasn’t gone.

He fed-exed his present yesterday and told Carmen he’d work from home today. His phone has been turned off, the blinds drawn, and he managed to work on his trial briefs until noon, when the bells of the nearby Catholic church on West 96th Street shook him out of his trance.

Jesus and St. Gregory isn’t even Carisi’s church and Rafael has never set foot inside himself, but the bells were enough to shatter his composure, along with any illusion that today is like any other.

It’s evening now. Rafael is sitting on his sofa, where has been for the last couple of hours. The bottle of Macallan he keeps for special occasions is mostly empty and he’s about to pour the rest into a glass, a celebration that he’s almost managed to survive today, when the doorbell rings.

He ignores it.

Another peal of noise, followed by NYPD-style banging, and a voice.

“Come on, Rafa, I know you’re home. I asked Carmen.”

Liv.

He really doesn’t want to see her, or anyone, but she will just sit down in the hallway and talk through the closed door until she’s said what she wants him to hear, so he gets up.

He opens the door and is greeted by the sight of his best friend in her pale blue festive summer dress. When she sees him, the relief on her face that he’s opened the door to her vanishes in an instant.

“Oh, Rafa.”

Silence. He frowns at the tone of her voice and bites his lip, and is surprised to find that it wobbles slightly.

“ _Rafael_ …”

She’s in his space now, lifting her hand to wipe at his cheeks, and it’s only then he realises that they’re wet.

He’s crying.

How long has he been crying?

He lets himself be steered back to the sofa, sniffling into the tissue Liv presses into his hands, while she mutters about food and proper hydration. A couple of seconds later, a large glass of water is put down on the coffee table and he feels her arms around him.

“Come on, I’m here. You can let it out, you don’t have to keep it bottled up any longer.”

And he does.

He flies apart, sobbing and hiccupping into Liv’s shoulder, while she gently rubs his back. For minutes or for hours, he can’t say, and when she eventually pushes him upright with a soft touch, his eyes are swollen and his voice is hoarse.

“Sorry about your dress. I’ll get it to the dry cleaners.”

“Forget about the dress, Rafa, I’m here because of you.”

A choked noise escapes him while he tries to put on his customary smirk.

“I’m surprised you still have the energy. Was the reception so boring that you’re not tired out yet?”

“The reception was lovely, but I’m sure you don’t want me to go into detail. Just… you were missed today, Rafael, by everyone. Don’t worry, I made your excuses, but they were all sorry you couldn’t come. _I am sorry_ , because I know why, and – “

“Don’t,” he interrupts her. “ _Don’_ t say you’re sorry, Liv. What’s there to be sorry for, when all he did was choose smartly. He picked a good partner, a good _wife._ Rollins can give him what he wants, hell, she already comes with a ready-made family. Sure, she may have her issues, but she’s young and beautiful and doesn’t get death threats on the regular.” His voice is no more than a whisper now. “What’s there to be sorry for when two good people have found each other?”

“What about you? You’re allowed to want something, too, you know.”

“All I want is for Sonny to be happy”, his voice breaks on the name, “and she can make him happy. She can give him so much. All I have is myself, or what’s left of it.”

In the silence after his words, awareness of the situation really sets in. Rafael can taste the salt of his own tears, can smell the scotch on his breath, feels the raw ache of crying for hours in his throat. He can hear the rustle of Liv’s dress as she scoots closer, framing his cheeks with her hands so he can’t escape her offers of comfort.

“And that’s enough, Rafael. _You are enough_ , never let yourself be convinced otherwise. Like you said, we all have our issues. Life is never smooth sailing, and we’re all a bit broken, some more than others. But that’s okay. We are richer for the experiences we make, and the troubles we survive. The beauty lies in the imperfections, and you deserve love and happiness just as much as everyone else.”

The honest emotion of Liv’s words, her faith in life and her love for him, clear some of the painful fog in his mind, but the clarity just affords him another unhindered look at the raw facts.

“You may be right but, well, I’m no longer young and I never loved easily. I don’t think any of that is in the cards for me anymore.”

Liv doesn’t bother to deny any of it. Rafael’s snarky and crotchety exterior hides a good man who feels deeply and if he allows himself to get attached, he is steadfast in his feelings. Liv knows that with Sonny, it wasn’t even a choice. It happened, and while Rafael’s life is richer for knowing such deep emotion at all, he is also bereft, knowing that it won’t be returned.

Maybe with time the sharp ache of this knowledge will fade to a dull throb.

In the meantime, Liv throws the empty Scotch bottle out and orders them dinner and sternly tells Rafael she will make sure he puts on some weight again. He doesn’t protest.

At least he will always have this.


	2. Find the Real Thing Instead (Barisi)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You won't remember all my_  
>  Champagne problems
> 
> Three people. One path diverges, two paths meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Barisi crew and thank you to everyone who clicked on this story :)
> 
> I originally planned to take this second chapter in a different direction, and have it unconnected to the first one, but it seems like I can’t inflict heartache on you, my dear readers, and then leave you hanging as to whether there will be a happy end. I hear ya, and…let’s see which ending Rafael, Sonny and Amanda will get.  
> I also decided to include Fin in a more prominent role, because he's awesome and well-adjusted, and there were some moments where he was a good friend to Amanda. And boy, does she need that.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

**Find the Real Thing Instead**

EADA Rafael Barba in the halls of the 16th precinct is a rare sight these days, but he strode in like he owned the place not ten minutes ago – just like the old days, Fin thinks, when he was still _their_ ADA, before stuff happened and Barba accepted a promotion that took him away from SVU most of the time. At any rate, he is here, in Liv’s office, and what’s more, Carisi is with them as well, him and Barba having walked in together, like they used to do.

Fin is pretty curious as to what’s going on, but he figures he’ll find out soon enough. For now, there are no raised voices to be heard, and that can only be a good sign.

In moments like these, he misses Amanda. Rollins would have engaged in some harmless gossiping and speculation with him, a fun little exercise to one-up each other with regards to who knew their co-workers best. But Amanda’s not here. In fact, she’s not even in New York anymore, having packed up her daughters and her life to move back to Georgia over a year ago.

_When the first cracks had started to appear in the Carisi-Rollins marriage, Amanda had tried to gloss over everything, tried to keep it away from the workplace and from anyone who knew her, as she usually did. But eventually, it had gotten too much._

_One evening, she had invited Fin out to drinks, and the look in her eyes had been haunted enough to make him accept immediately. They had found themselves in a little hole-in-the-wall far away from the precinct and anyone who could know them, and she had unburdened herself in one long, whiskey-fuelled, rush._

_She’d told him that after almost two and a half years, both her and Carisi were running on empty, trapped in a circle of affection and disregard, passive-aggressiveness and the attempt to not let Jesse and Billie notice just how much was wrong. Getting married quickly after a short try-out period for their relationship had seemed a good idea at the time but, she’d admitted with a sad and rueful smile, being married to each other was a lot, and it wasn’t like either of them had imagined it._

Fin looks away from Amanda’s, now Kat’s, desk and glances across the room. The detectives at SVU have never had much luck in their private lives – addictions, divorces, single parents without long-time supportive partners, they’re running the gamut of issues here. Fin wonders whether that’s because they give their all on the job and have nothing left to give at home. There is only one exception to that pattern, and that’s Carisi. The man seems to get all his energy from being helpful to others, and as positive as it sounds on the surface, that particular character trait was part of the demise of his marriage to Amanda.

 _“It sounds horrible, I know, like I’m the most goddamn ungrateful person on this planet, and maybe I am,” she’d confessed in a bitter tone, laced with exhaustion, “but sometimes I just…I can’t_ take _it. The enthusiasm for even the smallest things, the constant attempts to cheer me up, all that_ caring _…sometimes I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be coddled, or looked after, I can do that myself. I wish he understood that.” Privately, Fin thought that comment summed up all their problems nicely – there was an insurmountable difference in character between them. Not so much because Carisi was usually cheerful and Amanda was more mercurial, but because Amanda wanted Carisi’s company, but not his care. She’d come a long way in being kinder to herself, but the inability to truly let somebody else in, not just on a physical but on an emotional level, was something that Fin wasn’t quite sure she would ever get over – and Carisi didn’t know how to be anything else than 110% all in._

A muffled sound shakes Fin from his musings, and he sees that Liv has moved around her chair to hug both Barba and Carisi – long, tight hugs, the kind you give a good friend, not a colleague, so whatever they’re discussing in there must be a private matter, and cause for happiness as well. Whatever this is about, they all could do with some cheer, Fin thinks. Barba has always been a snippy motherfucker, but in recent months, hell, years, he’s seemed to carry a weight with him that stemmed from more than just a taxing job. As for Carisi, well, a failed marriage and subsequent divorce have rid him of a good part of that perpetual cheer that used to be so bothersome to Amanda. Ever since she left New York for good, Fin could count Carisi’s smiles on one hand – until recently, that is, because something has changed, as is evident by the laughter coming from Liv’s office.

 _“I hope he can find happiness again, ‘cause God knows I don’t make him happy. The kids do, but not me. In hindsight, I’m not sure I ever did.” Even though Fin always had a front seat to whatever happened in the life of his colleagues, Amanda’s defeated statement had rattled him a little. “Come on, Rollins, you got married, for Chrissakes. Of course you made him happy.” She’d shaken her head. “Nah. We were good as friends, and honestly, our relationship was just like our friendship, except with sex added to the mix.” Fin hadn’t quite known what to say to that, but thankfully Amanda had plowed right on. “I know how people always go on about how you should marry your best friend, and so we did, but honestly? That only works with friends who already have the emotional bond of lovers, not with friends who only deepen their physical intimacy. There’s an openness there, a level of vulnerability, that I never reached with him, and I know part of that is my fault. Turns out I liked the_ idea _of being with him a lot more than the actual thing.” She’d taken a big gulp of her whiskey and Fin had awkwardly patted her arm. “Well, damn, Amanda, that’s some deep shit. Are you sure about all of that? You and Carisi always had a weird dynamic, maybe it’s just a phase. Marriages have their ups and downs, y’know.” Amanda had actually snorted at that. “Yeah I know. Trust me, this isn’t a phase. We just don’t talk anymore. Not to each other, just_ at _each other. I used to be annoyed that I could never get Dominick to shut up, but now his silence is like…it fills the whole damn apartment, and that’s just wrong.” Faced with all the bleak hopelessness in between the lines of Amanda’s explanations, Fin could only agree silently._

_Not long after, Carisi had moved out. The divorce proceedings had been a goddamn nightmare for all of them, because obviously the two still had to work together, but they’d managed to keep it professional just as long as was necessary. The ink had barely been dry on the paperwork when Amanda had announced that she’d be leaving New York. With Chief Patton long gone and her old captain retired, there was enough room back in Atlanta for a fresh start._

The office doors open. Barba and Carisi walk out into the bullpen together, one of them smiling brightly enough to power a small city, the other without the customary frown on his face. Instead of returning to business at hand and going their separate ways, Carisi comes to stand between the desks and clears his throat a little awkwardly.

“Guys…sorry to interrupt, but, ah, could you listen up for a couple of secs?”

Prompted by the unexpected formality, Fin looks up from his laptop and turns his full attention to Carisi; across the room, he can see Kat doing the same.

Carisi exchanges a brief glance with Barba, whose mouth ticks up slightly in an almost imperceptible smile. The EADA nods at Carisi, who straightens up.

“There’s something I have to tell you, well,” another slight cough, “that _we_ have to tell you.” Again, Carisi pauses, unsure of how to continue, and now Fin’s curiosity is well and truly tickled. The younger man can be disarmingly blunt when he wants to be, and even though years at SVU have taught him a thing or two about empathy and the value of treading softly, he’s still not one for shyness and awkward silences. His quick glance at Barba at least gives away who the “we” in Carisi’s sentence is.

Ever adept at reading a room, Barba steps up to stand beside Carisi and just says, “What Carisi means to say is that there is a ‘we’. As in, we just disclosed a relationship to our superiors at the DA's office and filed the requisite paperwork. And we wanted to let you know as well.”

And that’s it.

A wealth of information cloaked in two concise sentences, uttered with an air of assertiveness that is typical of Barba and entirely belies the emotions underneath – the emotions of two people in a _relationship._

The few seconds that follow the announcement stretch like years, and Fin mentally catalogues every interaction between Barba and Carisi that he remembers.

_Endless suggestions and legal insights thrown at the then ADA by a young and inexperienced detective._

_Snarky comebacks and eye rolls that made said detective pout, but never stop._

_“It pains me to say this, but Carisi’s right.” “Am I right, counsellor?” “Like a broken clock.” Small exchanges, first a white flag and then a slightly opened door._

_The ADA allowing the detective to shadow and the two of them spending ever longer hours poring over briefs and opening statements._

_The usually brusque ADA going out of his way to offer some words of comfort for the detective who was shaken in his faith._

_The young detective working hours of overtime to catch the perps that threatened the ADA’s life._

_The ADA again going out of his way to arrange interviews for the detective-turned-lawyer._

_Curt orders and shouting matches in the courtroom hallways, a cooling period taking away any cordiality, leaving behind room for professional interaction only._

_Carisi announcing his relationship with Rollins and his switch to the DA's office, Barba announcing his promotion to EADA._

_Barba’s absence felt not only at the precinct, but also at Carisi’s wedding._

The evidence has been there all along, but apparently, nobody of the trained investigators ever connected the dots. Sure, Carisi’s weird attachment to Barba has always been ammunition for gossip and good-natured teasing, the suspicions ranging from innocent mentoring to man crush. It’s hard not to acknowledge that Carisi seemed to be able (and allowed) to handle the prosecutor in a way that maybe only Liv was, but Barba never seemed the type for any attachments himself.

Now, Fin can clearly recognise how wrong that assessment has been. Carisi’s grin is blinding but his eyes are soft and a little wide, like he can’t quite believe he’s living this moment, that he’s just announced his relationship with the man by his side. But Barba truly is _by his side_ , in every sense of the word. The sleeves of his suit are brushing Carisi’s, his whole body is subtly angled towards his partner, and, most notably, he is relaxed. The usually high-strung, stressed-out Rafael Barba is completely still and present in this moment, like everything for him revolves around Carisi.

And maybe it really does.

Barba is an acquired taste – his taskmaster mentality, driving everyone and most of all himself to work tirelessly, and his snarky attitude usually don’t endear him to people – but he has been friends with Liv for years, and that alone is a sign that there is a kinder man underneath. Fin has seen glimpses of that man whenever Barba showed an unexpected degree of empathy for a victim, when he shouted at judges who worked under less exacting moral standards than his own, and he guesses this is the man that Carisi has seen all along.

At any rate, nobody can dispute the passion Barba shows for the things that matter to him. Given that fact, maybe the prosecutor is exactly the man Carisi needs – someone whom Carisi adores and who adores him in return, for whom love is all-or-nothing and not just a safety blanket you can discard any time it gets too warm. Seeing them together, Fin is inclined to believe in happy endings for a change.

“That’s very eloquent, counsellor.” Fin can’t resist that little zinger, because that’s how they all communicate and he knows Barba will understand he doesn’t mean it in a bad way.

Kat, feisty and well suited to the squad, joins in with, “Hell, I hope that when the time comes, the proposal will be a little more romantic.”

If this were a movie, Fin is sure you would hear a collective gasp. Kat is new and she doesn’t know about the hornet’s nest she’s just punctured - Carisi’s failed marriage and the possibility that they both had feelings that went unacknowledged for years – and the conversation topics they studiously avoid. Liv looks pretty dumbfounded, but Carisi’s grin turns into a much softer expression. He looks like he doesn’t mind the thought of being married to Barba _at all_. And the EADA, not known for any kind of romantic attachment, just gives the detective a look and replies,

“Rest assured, Officer Tamin, it will be.”

Carisi blushes furiously, but reaches for Barba’s hand to squeeze it, and Barba doesn’t let go when they walk out into the hallway, no doubt for a little making out before they all get back to work. Fin nods at a happy-looking Liv, and thinks that he will have to make a phone call tonight.

 _“I just want him to be happy,” Amanda had said the last time they met for a drink. “I mean, we all used to rib Dominick for being such a good Catholic, but he’s also just a good_ man _, y’know? He believes in 'true love conquers all', and the sanctity of marriage, and all that romantic shit. I thought I could do that, too, with him to guide me. But I don’t want guidance, and as it turns out, I don’t even want a good man. Not in the way he is. So, do me a favour, Fin, when he finds that special someone, tell him that’s what I always wanted for him. Tell him that I don’t mind that it’s not me. And when the time comes, send some pictures.”_

Yes, Fin’s sure that sooner rather than later, there will be one more wedding to attend.

And this time, he’s sure it will stick.


End file.
